How adult ADHD affects relationships
Anger, frustration and walking on eggshells
As the partner of someone with ADHD, you’ve no doubt experienced communications that have unexpectedly turned into an argument –and trying to pre-empt or prevent an angry reaction can be draining.
But there are psychological reasons for these sudden outbursts. Some people with ADHD experience high levels of anxiety throughout the day due to sensory triggers and the stress of navigating a world largely built for neurotypical brains. These constant pressures can build up and lead to frustration or anger that isn’t about you or your relationship – you might simply be the person they’re with at a moment when everything feels overwhelming.
If your ADHD partner seems stressed, gently help them become aware of this. Try not to judge. Instead, support them in ways they find relaxing or fun. Invite them to talk about what’s caused them anxiety or frustration during the day – while accepting they may choose not to share – and be clear that you want to help them diffuse the stress so you can enjoy your time together. Your partner may be so caught up in their stress that they’re ‘in their own head’, so approach this with sensitivity.
Some people with ADHD don’t recognise the profound impact their emotions have on those around them. This lack of awareness explains why partners with ADHD can become more frustrated by their partner ‘walking on eggshells’ around them.
Aim to reach a state where you can communicate openly and honestly about your feelings, thoughts and needs in a clear, respectful and calm way. The more you do this, the easier it will become – but be prepared to face some resistance at first.
Too much, too soon
Impulsiveness and obsessive emotions mean some people with ADHD start relationships in a whirlwind, only to find they suddenly lose interest or struggle to maintain their enthusiasm for their new partner when the initial excitement subsides.
Some people with ADHD experience multiple confusing emotions at once. Many overthink things, which can cause them to rush into new relationships before they’re ready.
Try to develop the foundations of a relationship with your ADHD partner, rather than focusing on ‘fast and fun’. Consistency and clear communication help, as well as being open about your intentions early on.
If your partner appears overly energetic or nervous about the relationship, try talking about how you see the relationship developing, to reassure them.
Impulsive behaviour
People with ADHD worry that they’ll forget things if they don’t say them straight away. This can come across as talking too much or too quickly, or interrupting and not letting you finish.
Be patient with your partner’s need to share what’s on their mind, and give each other space to speak. It can help to discuss how you plan to share conversations while you’re relaxed, rather than in the moment, when things can get heated.
Impulsive behaviours also include risk-taking, impulse buying and addictive tendencies such as self-medicating and substance misuse – all of which can have a serious impact on your relationship. If you and your ADHD partner are experiencing these issues, couples counselling or other support can help (see the resources section below).
Hyperfocus, attention and feeling ignored
ADHD hyperfocus is a state of intense focus on a task or activity, to the point of ignoring everything – and everyone – else. Many people with ADHD can hyperfocus on tasks they enjoy or find interesting, but struggle to pay attention to those they don’t. Some are able to use their hyperfocus to escape into work or special interests as a way of managing their busy brain or coping with stress.
Some people with ADHD become so laser-focused that they find it hard to multitask. Others are capable of thinking about multiple things at once.
It’s easy to feel ignored when your partner is in a state of hyperfocus, but it’s not personal. Calmly explain how their hyperfocusing makes you feel. Bear in mind that if it’s a coping mechanism, they may become defensive if asked to stop doing it – and, of course, a healthy relationship takes both your needs into account.
Try setting clear boundaries: perhaps agreeing on a time when your partner will finish work and eat dinner with you. This can be helpful for both partners, as many people with ADHD struggle to switch off.
The ideal scenario is to reach an understanding and sense of balance about shared time versus focus time that benefits both of you.
Sleep patterns and lack of sleep
Sleep struggles are common in many people with ADHD. Some struggle with energy and focus during the day, but come alive at night when they should be sleeping. Others find themselves out of sync with their partner’s sleep patterns, which can make intimacy feel impossible.
Routine, exercise and natural remedies may help to regulate sleep. Try going to bed at a consistent time each night. This is often hard for people with ADHD, but can become easier with gentle support from a partner.
Phones and scrolling can be an effective source of dopamine, so try banning electronic devices from the bedroom at night, leaving phones in another room 30 minutes or more before going to bed.
Listening to audiobooks or white noise at bedtime can help to distract the mind enough to stop thoughts from racing and preventing sleep – or you could try listening to calming music together, or even meditating.
Disorganisation and untidiness
Living with someone who is chronically untidy and disorganised can be hard work.
Some people with ADHD struggle to put things away or to notice when they’ve left things lying around the house. Because they often forget the existence of things they can’t see, they may collect what appear to be junk piles – also known as ‘doom piles’ (‘didn’t organise, only moved’).
Much like any frustration in a relationship, it’s important to discuss the issue openly and set clear boundaries.
It can help your ADHD partner to have a space of their own in the home, where they can keep things as untidy as they want, if it helps their memory. You might decide to agree that shared spaces will be kept tidy – and ensure you’re both responsible for keeping them that way.
Working memory, forgetfulness and procrastination
Many people with ADHD struggle with short-term memory or working memory. Many more regularly lose items, forget appointments or put off tasks that appear to be overwhelming and difficult.
No one wants to be made to feel incapable, stupid or hopeless, and being nagged or parented by a partner is bad for your relationship, so it’s vital not to judge or get angry if your partner forgets an important date or puts off taking action.
Things that might help:
• Set visible and audible reminders and alarms in your phone or online calendar.
• Keep a calendar somewhere prominent – such as pinned to the fridge, or on a noticeboard you’ll see every day. Avoid overloading it with information, or important appointments may get missed.
• Agree on helpful communication mechanisms that work for both you and your partner, such as sending a message summarising important details when an appointment or deadline is agreed – and again when it’s due.
• Explain the consequences of delay. Some people with ADHD have difficulty thinking ahead, and context can help memory, so understanding the impact of delaying a decision or action can helpmemory, so understanding the impact of delaying a decision or action can help memory, so understanding the impact of delaying a decision or action can help.
Time blindness and timekeeping
It can be hard not to take it personally if your partner forgets a commitment or is late for a date, but it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you.
People with ADHD often get lost in thought or hyper-focused on an activity, and hours can go by when they don’t realise something important is approaching. This is part of time blindness – a difficulty in accurately perceiving and managing time.
Having had a lifetime of being late for many important appointments and events, your partner already feels guilt, shame and embarrassment. The last thing they want to do is let down the person they love.
Try to be compassionate and agree on ways of communicating with each other – reminding your partner of important tasks, appointments, or dates, or ensuring they have their smartphone before leaving the house.
Embarrassment, shame and hypersensitivity to criticism (RSD)
People with ADHD have gone through life being criticised and shamed for their behaviour – whether they’ve been diagnosed or not. They often go through life feeling like they’re not good enough.
Heightened emotional sensitivity means criticism of any kind can feel overwhelming and even traumatic, even if it’s as simple as, “Why didn’t you do that thing I asked you to do?”.
Validation and feeling heard are incredibly important to your ADHD partner. Avoid becoming angry or critical when your partner does something that frustrates you – they almost certainly didn’t mean to.
What next?
The advice on this page is based on the experiences of those who’ve taken part in our Supporting Partners sessions. If you’ve been affected by these issues, or any other challenges in your relationship with your ADHD partner, why not join one of our monthly sessions, where you can share your feelings in a safe space with others.
Supporting Partners sessions – powerful peer support for partners of adults with ADHD – take place on Zoom at 7pm on the third Wednesday of every month, and offer a safe, confidential space to share experiences and tips for improving your relationship.
ADHD Aware Couples course – if you and your partner feel you would like to explore this further and would like to meet other like-minded couples why not join our couples’ course.
